The Parent Coach : A Column For Proactive Parents, by Dr. Steven Richfield
A parent writes: What advice do you have for a depressed child? We try distraction and keeping to routines but they don't work very well.
One
of the more heartbreaking challenges of parenting is when depression
settles into the emotional life of a child. Despite the presence of
much to be happy about, some children suffer with a sagging spirit,
self-deprecating attitude, and even thoughts of suicide. Parents react
to this painful reality with a variety of feelings and perceptions of
their own, some helpful and others potentially harmful.
Complications
arise when parents misinterpret the meaning of events and operate under
false beliefs about the source of and solutions to the problem. If your
child may be caught in the throes of depression, consider the following
coaching tips:
Empathy is the key to keeping the doors of discussion open.
For parents to be able to help, children must be open to it. Most
depressed kids don't want to be "talked out" of their feelings,
"cheered up," nor blamed for "giving into them." These overtures are
certain to place distance and distrust between you and your child.
Stepping into their experience requires doing a lot of active listening
in which the parent mirrors back how the child is likely feeling: "It
must be hard to tell yourself that you might have a good time if you
accept the invitation," is one way to empathize with a depressed
child's hesitation to pursue a social opportunity.
Consider the possibility that your child is hiding their sadness from you.
It's not uncommon for depressed children to "put on a happy face" for
parents. The ups and downs within family relationships may have
convinced them that they must hide their despair. Some parents send
clear signals to children about what feelings and topics are acceptable
to discuss and which are not. The emotional costs of this narrowing of
the relationship are substantial. If this is the case, attempt a course
correction with the following, "I know about your sadness but you
usually don't talk to me about those feelings. Maybe I've given you the
idea that you can't tell me about the bad times but I do want to hear
about them."
Reduce and maintain expectations as circumstances warrant. Some
parents have particular trouble with making allowances for depression.
They mistakenly believe that they should apply the same rules,
expectations, and consequences regardless of the presence of serious
emotional pain in their child. This sets the stage for further
disengagement, an undesirable outcome when raising a depressed child.
Temporarily bending the rules, allowing exceptions, and otherwise
suspending usual consequences may be entirely indicated. Consistency
does not have to be rigidly maintained. Circumstances must be factored
into parental decision-making.
Be prepared with words of clarity and reason to help them stem the rising tide of depression. As
children succumb to despair, their self-perception and view of the
world around them grows dark and negative. Extreme statements and/or
actions may shake a parent's own security level. It can be especially
hard to find your own voice of reason when your child is clearly
lacking one. Explain how sadness effects a lot of people by making them
believe false things about themselves. Emphasize that these feelings
will pass and they will again have a clear view of themselves and their
life. Suggest that they don't isolate themselves and encourage them to
keep talking out their feelings. Do not hesitate to contact their
mental health provider for further advice about how to help your child
cope.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist and author in Plymouth
Meeting, PA. He developed a unique self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards, now in use throughout the world.
Read about the program and his entire library of parenting columns at www.parentcoachcards.com. Contact him at 610-238-4450 or director@parentcoachcards.com
